Panic. Rest. Repeat.

NOVEMBER 7TH, 2019

I have too many questions in my head. I can't quiet them down. I can't make them go to sleep. I sometimes lose all motor function when too many pop into my head. I lay motionless trying to understand my own thoughts. Then I can't sit still or remain solitary. My fingers can't hit the keys of my keyboard fast enough to get all the questions out. What am I supposed to be doing with my life? Why have I let money control me for so long? Why can't I ever rest? When will I find love? What should I eat for lunch? … And then the questions stop. And I have nothing to ask. I stare out my window and look at the trees and suddenly all my questions dissolve into meaningless vapor. Sometimes I don't want these questions out in the ether because then they will become all too real. They fit more comfortably rattling around in my head. None of this is publishable. None of this is marketable. Some of this is really hard to follow. But it's how I exist. At one minute I'm feverishly typing on my laptop. The next I'm staring out the window. I'm in a constant state of worry, followed by brief moments of self-consolation. I wonder if I'm the only person like this? Someone that had to learn early on to take care of their own emotional well-being and keep all their true emotions tucked away. Someone that couldn't burden the people they care about with this kind of panic. Am I alone? Or am I just not allowing the questions to live in the sun?