Christmas Eve at LAX

December 24th, 2019

Gather ye round,

and I'll tell you the tale,

of a Christmas Eve morn

spent in Departures Hell!

Our story begins

at 4:35

with a snooze button pressed 

just one too many times.

"It'll be fine" I said

"There's no need to rush!"

I gave myself minutes,

even hours for fluff!

After a good shave

and a brush and a spritz,

I called me an Uber

lickety splitz!

10 Minutes 'Til Arrival

It shown on the screen.

Don't panic, don't panic,

It's not what it seems.

I have ample time

to get through the line

where lights red as Christmas

blink and bleep and shine.

With Terminal 5

Ten cars out of reach,

I jumped out the Uber

"Merry Christmas!" I did screech.

20 mins 'til gates close

that's not good, but not bad.

This line should be a breeze,

there's maybe a dozen or two lads.

But as I approached,

an officer pointed,

"The line starts back there!"

and my jaw slacked, disjointed.

After only 10 minutes,

by the Grace of God Himself,

I ran as if chased

by an Elf on the Shelf

Gate 52G,

only three gates, yippie!

I counted to 50,

then 51, then … 53?

Gate 52G,

doesn't follow set rules.

My all-illusive gate

requires a shuttle, so cool!

I hop into line,

with hopes it'll be quick.

I've made it to the front,

to find yet another dirty trick.

"The shuttle is full.

I'm sorry, please stay.

The next one's almost here,

it's just 10 minutes away!"

I gave a fake smile

then huffed and hummed,

and after 10 minutes,

the bus it did come!

I jumped out the bus,

then raced for my gate.

But the flight door was closed,

and I was like "Um, what? Wait!!"

The doors to the plane,

I had missed by 2 minutes!

I wasn't alone,

but I knew this wouldn't fix it.

I ran to a clerk

"There's a problem, I can't fly!"

Then words of hate flew towards me,

"I can put you on standby."

So there I was left

to wander the halls

of an LAX terminal,

heavy luggage and all.

I sat for 5 hours,

watching others pass me by.

But the array of travelers

did ever catch my eye.

There was the man on his phone.

A misogynists wet dream,

"I didn't touch any of 'em, babe,

those bitches was free!"

There was the woman who went on

about the price of her Coke.

"This thing cost four dollars,

this airport’s a joke!"

Then there was the traveler

who, like me, was in line

demanding to be boarded

before the plane was set to arrive!

At long last they called

for groups 1 through 9.

Up front I stood waiting,

hoping for me they would oblige.

"Last name?" they questioned.

I shuddered with glee.

"Roman!" I shouted,

"That is I, he is me!"

They typed on their keyboards

and smirked just a bit,

"There's one empty seat,

now go, it's yours, TAKE IT!"

I now scribble my tale,

my journey through LAX

from the comfort of coach

Row 12, Seat F.

As I write on the plane,

for you, with no fright,

I say Merry Christmas to all,

and to all a safe flight!